clutter and clean

Wow this weekend was so beautiful. Dirt, grime, mildew, all made for one disgusting weekend. One part bleach, one part JoMax, and three parts water, and BAMM you’ve got yourself one heck of an aluminum siding cleaning solution. As I sprayed the side of the house, I watched the grime and mildew melt away. Once I began, cleaning became almost therapeutic. I was determined to finish the project last night, even with having to make a trip to the grocery store for more bleach. As the last bit of sunlight faded, I rinsed the last coat off. It was finished. Or at least we are now ready to work on the next project.

While I was at work on the outside, Darla was busy at work on the inside. Deep cleaning in the closets can be a daunting task. Where do you start? Two thirty gallon bags later, she emerged from the kid’s room. Simplify. That is the way to go.

I can’t help but to see that what we do in our physical life has some reflection as to what is happening on our spiritual journey. I would have rather played golf and I am sure Darla had other things she would rather do than clean the house. Cleansing and simplifying must be spiritual disciplines. Not that we are completely clean and have simplified every area of our life, but at least we are on the journey together.

i love the library

“The burning bush was not a miracle. It was a test. God wanted to find out whether or not Moses could pay attention to something for more than a few minutes. When Moses did, God spoke.

The trick is to pay attention to what is going on around you long enough to behold the miracle with out falling asleep. There is another world, right here within this one, whenever we pay attention.” Rabbi Lawrence Kushner 

small but deep fractures

Of course the first day of lent will start off good, then at some point eventually turn south. Mostly because I have such strong convictions to do the right thing, but my life is so delicately woven together made up of tiny fractures, eventually I have this sense that things could be falling apart.

It is amazing to me how small those splinters are but how they seem to be so distinctive and so deep within us. One of my fractures is the fear of disappointing others, becasue I have been disappointed before. I find myself willing to go to just about any extreme to avoid having to disappoint someone.

I may leave out a minor detail or present an idea only sharing one side of the equation or intentionally withholding information so that the possiblity of someone being hurt or disappointed by the hard truth won't be so hard.

I can remember as a 9-10yr old wanting something so bad, that I stole money from my dad's coin drawer to pay for it. When I was caught, I didn't want him to think less of me so I lied to prevent him from thinking less of me. That is a deep crack covered by almost 30 years of life. And for what ever reason, the first day of Lent I return to that crack and to how deep it runs. Yesterday I had to tell one of our vendors at the office that we are leaving them for a competitor due to cost and more advanced technology. I could hear the disappointment in his voice and all at once I was that 9 yr old boy again. Can the One who suffered take that from the deepest part of my soul? Oh how I would love for that fracture to be finally "set" as a broken bone of life.

And here is today's reading from the Mars Hill Lent booklet:

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. 2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. 3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. 4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. 5 Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. 6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts F97 ; you teach F98 me wisdom in the inmost place. 7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. 9 Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. 10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. "

The lament of David... Psalm 51 NIV 

a season of anticipation and restoration

Today is the beginning of the season of Lent. I have never really appreciated this time of the year. Yesterday my first born child came home very excited about Lent, she said her teacher (in public school) had explained why Lent was observed. She was stirred with passion. Because of her initiation, we are observing Lent as a family.

For me Lent has been about giving something up over a 40 day period, like chocolate or fatty foods. After listening to the Lent discussion from Mars Hill (Grand Rapids) I am coming to an awareness that Lent is about something greater. If God’s big project is about bringing wholeness to a broken people, then Lent is an anticipation of that work realized in His Son Jesus Christ. I am asking myself, where am I most broken on the inside from the Hope that is promised? Many of you know of my bout with jealousy, I am giving that over to Him, because I don’t know how to give it up. I want to be restored and completely made whole from that self-inflicted wound.

Today on the way into work, I got a three wick candle to illuminate my way as I go through the work day. It is a reminder for me that I am being restored moment by moment.

May the scent of the LORD be upon you and guide you through the deepest journey of forgiveness and mercy. May the nostrils of your soul breathe in and out the goodness of Yahweh. May your light shine the Glory of the One who holds all things together. Amen

eavesdropping on Alex and David

While sipping on a latte at Starbuck’s in the Atlanta airport, David, among many others, was waiting for his connecting flight. After a few minutes he noticed a young man sitting next to him reading a book with a green apple on the front. Alex saw David looking at his book and introduced himself.

Alex was born in the late seventies in the south part of Michigan. Alex’s mother was a nurse at St. John’s Hospital and his father was a professor of Philosophy at Calvin College. David was born in New Orleans in the late sixties; his mother was a choral teacher at Andrew Bell High School and his father was a territorial sales rep for Sysco Foods, a dry foods company serving the tri-state area.

They talked about all kinds of topics, school, family, work. Eventually David asked what Alex was reading. It was called Freakonomics. David wasn’t a big reader, but even if he was that title would probably not be on the top of the list.

Interrupting their conversation, there was an announcement…

got any batteries for that thing?

“You don’t buy a flashlight to stare at the bulb. The purpose of a lamp is not to illuminate itself but other things. Similarly, apart from its revelation of God, God’s Word is meant to be a light on creation, helping us to see properly the World that God has made.

If we walk at night we do not stare at our flashlight, nor do we point it at the sky or at our feet. Rather we point it forward and down, hitting the ground about six feet ahead.

We need to study not only God’s Word but also God’s world; we study the world in light of the Word. We need to study not only Isaiah but also Industry. Not only Philemon but also Politics, Not only Acts but the arts. It is not for us to choose between knowing the Bible or the world; we need to know the world biblically.

As we study the Scriptures, we need to shine them on the questions that lie before us on our pilgrimage. This includes not only questions about our personal life and the church, but also the farmer’s question of how and what to plant, or how to make our daily bread, and for us, how to deal with fields, factories, studies, and politics.” Quote from Paul Marshall – Heaven is not my Home

Some how this illustration connects with my blog on Monday Feb. 13th

where does one begin?

What happens when two forms of living energy connect? Is it merely physical? Is there a deeper impact that generates life on the internal that manifests itself to the external world? What is connected that may have once been broken?

“You've captured my heart, dear friend.You looked at me, and I fell in love.One look my way and I was hopelessly in love!

Your beauty is too much for me--I'm in over my head.I'm not used to this! I can't take it in.

Your eyes are wells of light, deep with mystery.

Love is invincible facing danger and death. Passion laughs at the terrors of hell. The fire of love stops at nothing--it sweeps everything before it.” Quotes from the Songs of Solomon

And the two shall become one…

Can the world contain the power from Oneness? What can stand against One? If given to my surface man I would not share my One with another. Should I give into that temptation my One would be reduced to only what I can contain. But should I release my One to another, then my One would become larger than it was within me. The multiplication would confound the mathematicians and realist. The power of One is visible to the eyes of those who hope to see what is not visible but that can be known. Once you see it you’ll never be the same again. All of your desires, all of your thoughts, will be of one thing…becoming one.

“I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name - the name you gave me - so that they may be one as we are one.” Jesus praying to the One 

on earth as it is in Heaven

"Our calling is not only to know the Bible, though we certainy need to know it verse by verse. It is also to know the world where God has placed us to learn from that world" Paul Marshall

"what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them... God's invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature- have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made."
St.Paul [Rom. 1:19-20]

"The heavens are telling the glory of God; and the firmament proclaim his handiwork,
day to day pours forth speech, and night to night declares knowledge.
There is no speech, nor are there words; their voice is not heard;
yet their voice goes out through all the earth, an their words to the end of the world."
Psalm 19:1-4

This weekend we are in Panama City visiting family. It has been a nice weekend. I came across these words in "Heaven is not my home" by Paul Marshall. The book is a fresh reading coming out of the funk I have been in these last few days.

Darla and I had a great time last night visiting with Rob (a.k.a. soulsurfer) and his wife at the Corner which is a Friday night open mic coffee house on the beach in PC. I love both of them, they are just the real deal. I love what God is doing in their community at Eastgate. May God continue to guide them as they navigate the path of faith and community.

jealousy is as old as the earth itself

"Coming out of my cage And I've been doing just fine...
Gotta gotta be down Because I want it all...
And my stomach is sick And it's all in my head...

And I just can't look.... It's k i l l i n g me... And taking control
Jealousy... Turning saints into the sea Turning through sick lullabys....But it's just the price I pay....

Destiny is calling me... Open up my eager eyes
cause I'm Mr. Brightside" The Killers

I can barely write about this, it is so now. All I can say is that Darla and I are talking it out every day. Yesterday, I realized how powerful this wicked little secret can be. My source of contempt revolves around my career path. For weeks, I have been wrestling with this heaviness. I really couldn't put my finger on it. But through sharing my fears and pains, we discovered that I was full of jealousy, like a poison. Once I accepted my condition, it helped me to explore how deep it runs. I found that the spirit of jealousy is as old as the earth.

"But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell. " Genesis 4:5

That word "wroth" means to burn with jealousy and anger. Notice Cain's demeanor: his countenace had fallen. You could imagine a man walking around with his face pulled to the ground like an invisible magnetic force field. When I read that verse I saw myself and that is when it all clicked. It's killing me on the inside.

"Anger is cruel, and wrath is like a flood, but who can survive the destructiveness of jealousy?" Proverbs 27:4

The crazy thing about jealousy is that it starts in a very subtle way. You start out thinking how cool it is that so-and-so got a great promotion. The next thing is you start coooking up stuff in your head, and the next thing you know is BANG, you want what they have.

For me it is really sad because I really like my co-workers and wish them the best, but on another level, I thought I was missing out on something.

I came across an idea that the spirit of contentment is the anti-dote for jealousy. Being ok with what I have or where I am is the beginning of release. Not to mention prayer for myself but also for the people to whom my thoughts burn. This is better said than done. I am just taking it one day at a time.

Has anyone ever gone through something like this? How did it go?

love take the wheel

What a glorious day today. There’s nothing like walking out to a frigid 27 degree morning to find a warm and beautiful note from my beloved placed on the steering wheel of my car. As I read the card, the words “sharer of my dreams” and “best friend” find there way home to an unexpected place in my heart.

Funny enough Darla and I have been talking recently of opening the doors to a community house, where people may come and enjoy a cup of java for loose change while embraced by a welcome and creative atmosphere. Dreamers we are, that one day we will find ourselves serving our community while enjoying the intimate fellowship of one another.

My hope today, it that the spirit of love, my best friend, will steer the direction of my thoughts and deeds for endless days to come. 

emrging from the text

Growing up in the christian faith I have often said to myself how I really need to get into the Word. What I meant by that was a feeling of disconnect from God. I thought by reading the Bible I would re-establish my relationship with him. I am realizing the limited scope of that kind of thinking. Something is emerging.


As I think about the first three verses of Genesis 1, affirms God's presence in three forms, "In the begining was God, the Spirit of God hovers over the water, and the spoken words of God." This is the atmosphere of creation. As a created being, I am made up of a component of each of those manifestations of God.

In the Gospels, I find several references to the Father, Son, and the Spirit. Once again God is a community of One. So where ever I find this oneness, I will find the reflection of the way creation was intended to be. For instance, a husband and a wife shall come together and be one. In the Gospels we hear the same "In the Begining" language, God's spoken word takes on human form expressed in Jesus. As Jesus walked this earth, he was a complete example of human oneness with God. Then scriptures go on to say things like, "in Jesus Christ (God's spoken word) we are made right (the way we were intended to be) with God."

I am begining to see layers to this Word of God. It is no longer black and white Times Roman font on parchment paper. Rather, it is a community of images, a lion, a family, a mountain, a song, a neverending story, coming together to shape a reflection of God's WORD. A reflection that has always been there, I was just looking at the surface.

May you find yourself engulfed in the vast expanse of God's Word. Speaking. Realizing. Living. 

the creative spirit breaks through

Thank you to those of you who have kept me in your thoughts and prayers this week. I have been going through a difficult time. I haven't really been able to put my finger on it until I spoke with my mom tonight. Her comments and insight was spot on. This week at work I have been engaged in the implementation process of a client relations program. This was training week. I guess on one level for me it was somewhat mundane because I have been training on this for months. There is very little room for creativity during this stage. My mom explained that implementation can be the opposite of creativity in certain aspects.

When she said it that way I remembered reading this week in Heaven is not my Home by Paul Marshall. He said something along the lines of when we as created beings are being creative we are reflecting the "Imago Dei." So if that is true then the opposite of that has implications. If I am not being creative it strikes against the core of who I am. Darla continues to encourage me to make the most of the relationships as I go through these training exercises. She is right, I find myself all business when it comes to training. Ughh! I hate that part of corporate world. I pray these next few days I will be able to take each individual conversation as a opportunity of divine intervention and to seek to be creative at any chance I get.

This weekend I brought an old version of Photoshop 5.5 home and installed it on our PC. It has been a real outlet for creativity. I made a "winn people" collage as well as some graphic links for theRealZoo site under the "others on the journey" page. It was very therapeutic.

Thanks again for my brothers and sisters who are helping my family along this journey of faith. May we one day come face to face and greet each other in true fellowship. 

Heaven is not my Home

Living in Tallahassee Florida (the large buckle of the Bible belt), I have known a very limited scope of the gospel. Over the last few years, I have been exposed to a larger picture of the gospel. It is not that this new version is “postmodern” or “emergent”; rather it is a view of what I think is a larger slice of the global Christian pie. The following is an excerpt from Heaven is not my Home by Paul Marshall.

“It is an unbiblical idea that the earth doesn’t matter because we are going to go to heaven when we die. The Bible teaches that there will be a “new heaven and a new earth.” Our destiny is an earthly one: a new earth, an earth redeemed and transfigured. An earth reunited with heaven, but an earth, nevertheless.

If we think that the earth and everything on it is simply going to disappear, why labor long and hard to write something, perform something, build something, create something that will only be consumed by fire?”

For most of my Christian life, my thought had been that one day when I get out of here life is going to really be great. I was so focused on my “final destination” that I completely glazed over where I am today and what impact it has on eternity. Now as I read the scriptures, I am confronted with a truth that Jesus told his disciples to pray “Your (Yahweh) will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.” There it is right there in front of me and I didn’t get it! So where does that leave me today? Once again another quote from Mr. Marshall.

“We the human beings, we ourselves, are part of creation. Our stewardship includes human life as well as the rest of nature. It includes Mozart as well as mountains: parliaments as well as porpoises: friendships as well as fields and forests. What began in the Garden of Eden culminates in a city- the New Jerusalem.”

God is reclaiming, restoring, and redeeming all of creation. I am called into this re-creation story. It is an amazing narrative of making all things new. God is the central character and I am honored to be in the supporting cast. I guess the part in the story that I missed was the created order, the birds, the trees, the streams and how they are integral to the story.

Maybe the creators of LOST wanting to make the island a character in the story have stumbled across a truth that is bigger than they can imagine.

kindled life

Something is changing…moving…lifting. I feel the tide is shifting in the deepest part of my soul. Purpose is beginning to emerge from the goo. I have been in such a state of blah. Boredom and restlessness have been my companions these last weeks. Ha! But no longer will I play their silly little games. I think this morning I realized that I have not been alone. God was not taken by surprise of the events of late. Hmmmm, God was in this place and I, i did not know. It is the Jacob journey, traveling from one place to the next, being fully present in the moment I am in and finding fulfillment there. Sometimes the promise of what is to come can be so distracting from what is right here in front of me. Oh that I might remain still long enough to hear the whispers of life. There is still a fire shut up in my belly. I am alive.

a cup of criticism please...

How do you handle heavy criticism among your peers? I found myself in such a place last week. I was sharing ideas about an exciting project that was being developed for our business with a group of managers. When I was finished laying out the basics concepts, I was bombarded with what I perceived as the “let’s figure out all the faults of the project before it even gets started” session. A flash of lava hot anger flared in my gut, I wanted to stand up and shout “you are all a bunch of flippin’ idiots!” and the storm out the door.

For some reason I kept mouth shut and forced myself to listen to their criticism of the project. I responded by saying, “I really appreciate all of your comments and feedback, I hope that as this project rolls out, you will have the same level of intensity to see it succeed.” The meeting moved on to the next topic and I sat in my chair and just wrestled with what just happened. I felt as though on some subconscious level of theirs, they were celebrating the fact that they had completely knocked the wind out of my sails to prove they were superior to the ideal of the project.

As the meeting concluded, I began to internally scan their comments for any valid areas of concern and found two. I left the meeting and called a support team and discussed with them the two points of concern, together we came up with solutions which made very good structural sense. This week I will look to see how to implement them.

All in all, I learned a very valuable lesson, as a creative and passionate person who puts a little piece of me into every project I am in, when I am asked to give my creative energy to a project it is a gift and I can not be responsible for how that gift is criticized. My strength comes from the fact that I know the creative process is good no matter what others opinions might be about it and how I handle constructive criticism is part of that creative process.

the matrix quiz

You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.

What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by

agents of good in a wreck of evil

I have been thinking about why is it that we are sometimes over whelmed with the fear, stress, and pressure.

Can't you see I'm black and blue, beat up badly in bones and soul? GOD, how long will it take for you to let up? Break in, GOD, and break up this fight; if you love me at all, get me out of here. I'm no good to you dead, am I? I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb! I'm tired of all this--so tired. My bed has been floating forty days and nights on the flood of my tears. My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears.

It seems as though evil lurks around every corner.

They hide behind ordinary people, then pounce on their victims. They mark the luckless,then wait like a hunter in a blind; When the poor wretch wanders too close, they stab him in the back. The hapless fool is kicked to the ground; the unlucky victim is brutally axed.

I wonder if God really knows how evil these days have become?

Look at that guy! He had sex with sin, he's pregnant with evil. Oh, look! He's having the baby--a Lie-Baby!

Does God even care? Because I think, if he did care why would he allow it to continue.

GOD, are you avoiding me? Where are you when I need you? Full of hot air, the wicked are hot on the trail of the poor. The wicked snub GOD, their noses stuck high in the air. Their graffiti are scrawled on the walls: "Catch us if you can!" "God is dead." They care nothing for what you think; if you get in their way, they blow you off.

As I lamented the prayers of the Psalms (in italics), I couldn’t help but to sense that I come from a long line of people who see the ramped evil running amuck in the world and are greatly disturbed and heavy hearted over it. As hopeless as it might seem, as a people of good, something from the center of our being calls us into the battle that rages on calling on the Source of all things to make things right in this time here and now. But what does that sound and look like?

Up, GOD! My God, help me! Slap their faces, First this cheek, then the other, Your fist hard in their teeth! Real help comes from GOD. Your blessing clothes your people! Listen, GOD! Please, pay attention! Can you make sense of these ramblings, my groans and cries?King-God, I need your help. Every morning you'll hear me at it again. Every morningI lay out the pieces of my life on your altar and watch for fire to descend.

Close the book on Evil, GOD, but publish your mandate for us. You get us ready for life: you probe for our soft spots, you knock off our rough edges. And I'm feeling so fit, so safe:made right, kept right. Nobody gets by with anything. God is already in action--Sword honed on his whetstone, bow strung, arrow on the string, Lethal weapons in hand,each arrow a flaming missile.

There is this work of the heart that takes place between me and God and that is where the lines of the Kingdom advance. Is it a tough and long road to walk? Yes, it is. Am I alone? No. What would it sound like to carry on?

Long enough, GOD- you've ignored me long enough. I've looked at the back of your head long enough. Long enough I've carried this ton of trouble, lived with a stomach full of pain.Long enough my arrogant enemies have looked down their noses at me. Take a good look at me, GOD, my God; I want to look life in the eye, So no enemy can get the best of meor laugh when I fall on my face. I've thrown myself headlong into your arms-- I'm celebrating your rescue. I'm singing at the top of my lungs, I'm so full of answered prayers.

May we find ourselves agents of making-things-right in this world…Hope is not lost. May we be the handiwork-of-God right around the corner, emerging from the unexpected.

All quotes are from Psalms 1-13 The Message

could this be the promised land?

From a very young age I have drawn mountain scenes from memories in my heart. I traveled through the Rockies and across the Grand Canyon. Today I began to sketch in my journal and this is what emerged. I have been thinking on the sacred journey of Joshua and the people of God. Their period of wondering was one of discovery and cleansing.

I can't help but find our story in their story. Maybe the images in my sketch are mirrors on the door of introspection of one's life. I also can't help to think about the "face to face" passage that has also been lingering in my heart these last few days. Maybe they are reflective of the relationships that we have endured along this trek.

I guess today I found some solace in the fact that after the period of cleansing and discovery they did finally entered into the land that the LORD their God had promised them. Somewhere deep within me I am hopeful that we are stumbling onto what they came to know as holy ground, If only I can stop long enough to realize where I am. 

a slice of humble pie

Sometimes eating a piece of humble pie is hard to do. Why does it feel like being asked to play second string when all you want to do is just get out there and play your heart out? Maybe it has to do with swallowing my pride and doing what I was called to do given the situation.

Darla was talking about wisdom yesterday. In the past, I have thought of wisdom as knowing how to make the right decision the first time around. And maybe it does partially, but I am coming to understand wisdom to also mean acknowledging when I have strayed off course 2 degrees and then making the necessary amends with whom ever so that I might get back on track. Humility must be a component of wisdom. Arrogance is surely not.

I wish I could explain to you how incredibly rich a life Darla and I have been given. Maybe the best way to do that is not to try and hold on to it, but to give it away every chance we get.

May you find the scent of generosity lingering through you and in you today.

blue flame of old

"the LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with a friend." Exodus 33:11

Thank you Lord that you are the One who forgives and grants mercy to your children, may your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. It is by your works that we are given our daily bread.

What is a friendship?

In Numbers 12 the sacred text tells of a story that involves Moses, Miriam, and Aaron. There was something not right between the three of them. The Living God called them to come together to talk. He called them to the Tent of Meeting, which back then must have been like his living room. In this space, these brothers and sister spoke to one another face to face.

As I have been wrestling with this story on a personal level, this image emereged in my journal. On January 8

What would this meeting look like today? Where would the Tent of Meeting be located? One thing is for sure, where ever it is grace, forgiveness, and healing would be present. What happens when we get together to say I am sorry? What happens when our hearts are humbled? What happens when I desire connection and fellowship greater than my own pride? What happens when we speak face to face? I think we began to stumble upon holy ground and our hearts begin to become whole.

As the people of God following the path of Jesus, we are compelled to live in harmony with each other and with the One who holds it all together. He has been reconciling people since before Mesopotamia and he still is reconciling all people. Maybe the story of Moses, Miriam, and Aaron happened long ago, and yet it is happening today all around us.

Are you in the story?