what to do with this sadness?

What does one do when they realize the pain in their heart comes from a sadness that is beyond their control? My sadness comes from the condition of so many people like myself who are wondering like exiles in this land. My sadness is for the broken hearts that long for the people of God to be who they were created to be. How long will we wait for our hearts to melt like wax before we like the first people of God turn around and come home. But we ask ourselves how can we return home when everything has been trampled and burned to the ground? How can we return to what doesn’t exist anymore?

The dwelling place of God left buildings built by the hands of man and has been searching two centuries for a new dwelling place – the hearts of mankind.

This feeling of sadness might be named as depression to some of the medical profession. Depression might be the oldest plague of the heart. When the plague of darkness fell upon the Egyptians because of Pharaoh’s hard heart, the world might have experienced the first massive regional outbreak of depression. And what brought this on? God was trying to lead his people into freedom and liberty. Liberty to be the people of God. Liberty to love all the people of the world. Liberty to proclaim the good news to the captives of the hopelessness. Liberty to live in harmony with one another and with YWHY.

I look to heaven wondering how long God must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart? How long? How long? How long?

Was this the agony in the hearts of Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Ezra, and Nehemiah? Were their hearts broken over the state of the people of God? How did they not just want to give up? How did they remain faithful to the One who brought his people out of the jail of oppression when it seemed like there was no hope for rescue?

Something about this song touches the heart of what I am lamenting.

"Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit -
it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be.

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow."

Here is my response:

I long to be in love
long to share my life
with the real ones
with the ones who live the Name
to live my life with no shame

I’m still holding on.
I’m still holding on.

I’m walking in tears of hope
one day I will hear, I will hear
the horns blowing,
blowing in the distance
calling the wonderers home.

I’m still holding on.
I’m still holding on.

I have fallen
Fallen on my hands and knees
crying will we once again
know the warm embrace
of thee.

May the One who calls out to the lonely hear your cries. And may his Face shine upon you. Peace to you. May the Exiles find their way home.

dreaming?

Maybe the dreams that we have are nothing but illusions of the mind performed to pass the night away. Maybe some dreams really are messages from the divine One. How does one know the difference? Can we know the message? Can we know the meaning? What people, places, or things in the natural cause the dreams to come alive and find their place? What do we do with passages in the Bible like Daniel who was given the ability to know the mysteries of the king’s dream? What is the purpose of the mystery? Is it to know the dream or the Dream Giver?

Have you ever had a weird dream that came true?

the deep roots

How long does it take to see the shape in the thing that is right in front of my face? When will I be able to see the outline of the truest form of who I am? Wrestling with the roots of my own life, I want get down to the core of me.

Live generously. Ask yourself what do you want people to do for you; then take the iniative and do it for them.

May you as you struggle to look deep into your roots see the wounds and pains that have shaped you and find that just beyond the scars there is the One who is wholeness. May you find the One mending and repairing the truest shape of you. May you recognize yourself for the first time being made whole. This is the sound of Life coming from the deep. 

the rhythm of everyday liturgy

today i went to service with a very close friend of mine. i haven't been to a liturgical service in many years. there are some beautiful elements of this expression of faith.

today we read responsively psalm 90. i think i was more engaged in this portion of the service than anything else, besides communion. i loved reading in response with others the desperate cry of Moses as he laments for himself and the people of God. the practical expression of faith displayed in the congregation engaging the sacred text with one another is so beautiful.

i left service and made my way home. as i drove i thought, as beautiful as the service was, if that is it, just one hour of one day once a week, no wonder so many people have walked away from church buildings and church services. if church is only about going to a place, or attending a service, or listening to someone speak, how does that really intersect our daily life?

i have been thinking more and more about the people in whom i have unplanned routine contact with, and yet i have no meaningful conversation with them. i have also been thinking about the many people who are wandering around this city asking themsleves, where are the "real ones"; the real ones who want to serve and love God and naturally display that devotion in service to others.

therefore i must pray the words that have been prayed for generations by those who hope that the divine is best seen in the ordinary events of the average day:

"Clean the slate, God, so we can start the day fresh!Keep me from stupid sins,from thinking I can take over your work; Then I can start this day sun-washed,scrubbed clean of the grime of sin." psalm 19:13 the message

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. " psalms 19:14 NIV

And so the service continues today as i move onto the next expression of faith in my everyday liturgy: kickball in the yard with the neighborhood kids!

peace to you

in the beginning...again

Here we are at the beginning, again. My brothers in the Jewish faith maybe onto something in celebrating Rosh Hashanah, the New Year. It has been said that life is a series of cycles. Those who live well are the ones who can recognize the cycles and learn to live them more skilled than they did the last time. Finding it a challange, they look forward to the trials and difficulties hoping that this time around they might choose "mitzvoh" the good deed. Each good deed is in some way bringing about a more complete circle of the way it is in Heaven.

For some life is a divine service, for others life is a race to buy and consume all that can be had.

I think over the last decade I have unfortunately been in the later camp. But maybe this time around I will choose a life of divine service. Darla and I began our journey together almost 17 years ago in small town called Panama City. It was from that town that we struck out to make a life for ourselves. Today we find oursleves back in Panama City ready to embark on a new journey. Over these last few months we have introspectively looked at where we have come from, it is from this vantage point that we move forward. The past has served as a road map to the choices we have made with our time, resource, and thoughts. As a result of some of those choices, we have found ourselves in a trap of commitments wieghing us down. The weight of these commitments are such a heavey burden, we can barely take more than two steps at a time. So as we go back to the beginning again, we hope to make different choices with what the One who gives neither proverty nor riches but only our daily provision.

Living in the daily, we no longer must carry the weight of tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself. Realizing that our daily needs will be met, we can then be looking for who might be in need and become a hand of the Divine to meet those needs. Maybe it is the beginning of living the giving away of our lives for others, not in obligation, but in joy to be in harmony with the Great Song of Restoration playing in our ordinary every day living.

So here is my prayer today, let the shackles of the exiles fall off, and let the horn of freedom sound, and may we step out into the new day!

searching for Life

What if I had the words to say what I was feeling on the inside? What if I could articulate the journey that is taking place beneath my skin? It is as if I am caught under the ice and am grasping for breath hoping to find a break in the surface that I might burst through. In the beginning of this journey, the One who is Truth seemed to lead me to this phrase…I came that you might have Life.

I have searched high and low and have only grasped a glimpse at this Life. It seems like most of the time it eludes me and at other times I ignore that it is possible. It seems that the Life looks nothing like I thought it would. No fame, no riches, no accolades of men, so what is this Life. The Rabbi once said, “One must lose his life in order to find it.” I think I have found the first part of that verse to be true. I have most definitely lost my life. Meaning the life I have lived over the last decade has completely vanished into thin air over the last few months. No wonder few people intentionally set out to lose their life because is it down right terrifying. When one comes to the end of themselves, it is absolutely unnerving. So where am I? Where is the real me? Can my Rabbi find me and lead me through the valley of this unknown land? Can the One who gave me my first breath cause my heart to beat once again for the purpose of bringing hope and healing into the land my feet daily traverse? And so I wait…

the rhythm of laying bricks

Another project I worked on this weekend was laying a brick border around the mulch garden beds along the side and back of our house. Once again this is a project that I have neglected to do while we lived in the house, and now that we are selling the house it seems odd that I would put hours of work into something that will be enjoyed by someone else. Nevertheless, I picked up 60 bricks to start. According to the real garden pros I did it completely backwards. I laid the mulch and planted the ferns and then came along with the brick border. As I laid each brick I found it very interesting that the edge of where the mulch ended and where the dirt was the obvious place the brick would lay. It was like the bricks had a certain place to lie, I just had to get down on my hands and knees to touch feel and see where the place was. I remember thinking, God are you helping me with this project today? Do you already know where each brick goes? Why do you allow me to lay the bricks? What if I put them in the wrong place?

Somehow in the humble position bending down, I seemed to enter into the rhythm of the way the bricks were going to go. If I saw some weeds in the path, I pulled them out. If I saw the mulch was too clumped together, I would spread it out or shape it to the path of the brick. Again the rhythm of laying the brick seemed to guide me on its own. Near the end I realized I was going to run out of bricks, so I went and got 40 more bricks. I was really exhausted, but I knew I was in this really awesome brick border grove. I couldn’t stop. My shirt was soaking in sweat. My face was getting sun burned. My legs, thighs, and lower back were just throbbing, but I had to complete the work.

I laid the bricks, brick by brick. With a short pause, I reached into the wheel barrow to select a brick to lie down. So there must have been some connection not only to the path but to which brick would go in what place. Everything seemed to be connected, yet I was unaware that there was a connection. I was just busy with the work.

As I looked up at the end of my toil, I enjoyed the work of my hands. I enjoyed that what was once debris, weeds, and shapeless void had know become a path of growing beauty full of potential. Somehow I found real joy in knowing that one day someone else was going to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

Here is the plain truth. Our house the inside, the outside, the roof and everything in-between, has been completely cleaned or repaired bringing it to a condition better than it was before we bought it some 10 years ago. I can not help but to have this deep sense that now not only is the house ready for its new owner, but we have completed the preparation for the new owners. It is finished.

Who will the new owners be?

Finally getting around to it…

What happens when a decade of little worries pile on year after year? Like leaves falling from the huge oak trees of difficulty in our lives, the unsaid words or emotional wounds left to decay the roof of our souls. How risky is it to climb up on the roof and began the cleaning process? Can it be done alone? Or is there someone there to hold the ladder of hope while one climbs onto the severe pitch of the roof?

Pushing the debris off the roof is only the beginning. Some of the leaves will make good mulch, some will need to be thrown away. Once all the debris is down off the roof, and is in plain site, it is really quite overwhelming. This is not a quick job. Keeping one’s roof clean is not a one time event either.

This weekend I spent two days working on this very project with a very close friend. He will never know how much help he was to me. For almost 10 years my family and I have lived in this house and not once have I ever cleaned the roof. Not only did my friend help, but he did most of the work. He was on the roof; I was on the ground. He dealt with the slippery slope of the roof, and I dealt with what was pushed off. I remember looking up at him on the roof and saying this is what real discipleship looks like. It is one person helping another person work through the difficult issues of life. It is the most basic form of real community. It is taking your ordinary everyday life, your eating, sleeping, and cleaning out your junk, then offering it completely to the One who gives the very breath of Life in hopes for a longer and healthier life.

The gospel according to Spiderman

Yesterday in our local paper there was a free issue of a Spiderman comic book. Pete Parker’s life is very interesting. During the day he works an average job, but is it really an average job. Somehow his relationships and contacts in his day job are the inroads to find the marginalized, oppressed, and the victims of society. It is very interesting that Peter Parker goes into disguise when he fulfills the role of hero. He doesn’t seem very interested in receiving recognition for his good deeds in the community.

I wonder if Pete Parker thinks his life is dualistic. Does it seem like his life is compartmentalized into a day job that just pays the bills and another life where he does the work that really matters?

In a time of transition of my own, I find this perspective of the Spiderman story intriguing. I realize that I am a messenger of hope no matter what occupation I find myself, because each relationship and every situation I find myself in is connected to a larger life picture.

It really makes Paul’s letter to the people of the Great Hero meeting in the city of Rome come home:

“So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.”

looking with new eyes

"First we meditate on Jesus, and then we go out and look for him in disguise."
Mother Teresa

decentralized yet still connected

“In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your life.”
– James writing to fellow gardeners

I love the picture that James paints with these words. I really enjoy landscaping. I’m not much of a gardener when it comes to flowers and such, but give me an overgrown lawn or a hedge that needs to be trimmed and I am all in. While staying with Darla’s parents, I have had the chance to help out with the yard work. Darla’s father has put a lot of time into cultivating a beautiful yard in the front and the back. Looking from my perspective, I can see the landscaping of the flowers and elephant ear plants in the front that are carefully carved out with a nice edge to allow for good rain water to soak and drain properly. I can also see the beautiful green shrubs that line the walkway in the backyard around the pool. Even though these plants are thriving in there own respective environment, they are unaware of their connectedness in the overall beauty of the property. Nevertheless, each flower, shrub, tree, and blade of grass make up this carefully nurtured parcel of land.

What if this were a picture of a group of people who had this deep sense that there must be something more to life than just doing my own thing? What if they some how felt connected to something larger than just the patch of dirt where they were planted?

Over the years Darla’s dad has given us plants from his yard for us to take back to our home and plant in our garden. And from time to time he has transplanted flowers from his backyard to the front yard and vice versa. Each time the plant is given a new environment to grow is adapts to a new location yet it doesn’t become a different kind of plant altogether. The shrub is still a shrub. The flower is still a flower. It doesn’t change the fact that the plant will be impacted by its new environment, but it never loses sight of the fact that is a one part of a larger garden that has been cultivated by a loving gardener.

what do we learn in home school?

What do we learn at home?

After making the decision to home school their three children Mike and Dee, set out to give it their best effort to become parent-teachers. Two days into the adventure, it becomes quite clear that unless Mike and Dee work together this home school is going to take them to school. As a result of the challenge of this new home school environment, Mike realizes in humility that he has been very distant from the everyday learning experiences of his children, while he was in pursuit of the dream career life for himself. Mike begins to appreciate through personal experience the incredible patience it requires to be a teacher of two students, much less a classroom of eighteen. Continuing to nibble on his own piece of humble pie, he realizes just how deeply he has completely missed out on the real life, in the process of trying to get everything for himself in order to fill his hunger for meaning and purpose. What is it that drives a man to run the opposite direction of the true life he was created to live?

How amazing is it that in just a few short days the demeanor and attitude of his children had changed? What is the home school? Maybe it was simply the total engagement of Mike and Dee in the everyday lives of their children down to the smallest detail that was beginning to heal the apathetic and broken spirit of their family. Mike and Dee had unknowingly entered the world in which the children lived. Mike and Dee quickly learned that it took their complete devotion and commitment together to make this home school project run smoothly.

During this project Mike remembered times when in the past he had gone to pick up the kids from school. At the time he felt so good about himself, but the reality was he really thought it was an interruption in his very important day or rather it was a really good excuse to get out of work for the afternoon. He wasn’t genuinely interested in their day because he was completely emerged in his self-absorbed life. Grace to be forgiven for such a shallow attempt at fatherhood is hard to accept. Nonetheless, that was exactly the place Mike sensed he was being led. Can a simple act of changing one’s idea from selfishness towards an ideal of family wholeness cause the course of life to change?

In the middle of all of this, Mike and Dee received a call from a very close friend who informed them that there was a great need at one of the local elementary schools. Mike and Dee sat down with the kids and explained the situation and asked how they should respond as a family. The kids decided they wanted to help by enrolling in the school. For the first time, Mike and Dee were making a decision with the whole family and it was for a greater good beyond themselves. Maybe this time when Mike picks them up from school and asks about their day, he will mean it. Maybe when he looks at the papers they have brought home from school, he won’t be just concerned with the grade as much as thinking of what it must have been like, felt like, tasted like to complete that project.

This leads Mike down further down the road of reflection where he sees just how big a load Dee has been carrying when it comes to the education and overall care of the family. He can’t imagine what kept her from just giving up and walking out the door. At that moment he sees Dee as the most beautiful and nurturing mother under what must have been the most overwhelming circumstances. How can he begin to tell her how much he loves her and will stand with her hand in hand as they walk out the rest of their life together. Together they will live the deeply soul connected story of the-two-became-one marriage life. In this life partnership of commitment and promise they must remember the sacred space of the family circle. They vow to strive towards true life together. Keeping at the forefront of their minds eye, how they think about, prepare for, and lovingly discipline their kids, will set in motion an environment of hope and inspiration.

Looking at the man in the mirror, Mike sees himself, as the outline of a changed man, husband, and father. No longer is it an idealistic way to view the family relationship, but it is becoming a reality, that together with Dee, they will meet the challenge to teach their children about life in the midst of the everyday ordinary eating, sleeping, and going to whatever and not just every three weeks or so when they are feeling guilty about the lack of connection with the kids.

And so the journey continues…

While driving in the rain

One day Mike and Dee’s father were riding in the car. Mike began talking about how he was raised as a child in a passive disciplinary home environment, not that it was the ideal home, but no family is perfect. Now in his own family, Mike and Dee are working out the best they can, learning how to be a parent and a spouse with all the pressures of the world crashing in all around. The new changes in the family are so upside down. Mike has become the man-mommy, staying at home cleaning and keeping things mostly in disorder; while Dee has found great income potential as a legal consultant. In this topsy-turvy family dynamic, everyone is under tremendous pressure. Can this be right? Is this the American way?

Speaking to Dee’s father is very difficult for Mike. Having lost the chance to have any kind of relationship with his own father some twenty years ago, it often takes a little nudging, and prodding from Dee to encourage Mike to speak openly about life issues with her Dad. Maybe Mike is realizing that this healing time is for everyone not just those around him. Early one Sunday morning Dee and Mike, find themselves in a raw but honest conversation about how things are really going. It is a beautiful and difficult moment of discovery. Mike and Dee are realizing that there are little cracks in their souls, and for what ever reason this intense period of waiting is bringing to the surface every splinter. They both admit to each other, if they had it their way they would walk away from this crazy story, but yet somehow they sense there is no turning back.

Later that day they come across a confession of another tormented life traveler, an ancient poet and king, who penned these words:

The opening:
Long enough, GOD-
you've ignored me long enough.
I've looked at the back of your head long enough.
Long enough, I've carried this ton of trouble,
lived with a stomach full of pain.

The closing:
I've thrown myself
headlong into your arms--
I'm celebrating your rescue.
I'm singing at the top of my lungs,
I'm so full of answered prayers.

Reading it together, they both wonder out loud; how does the poet king make it from the opening to the closing. As the air suddenly becomes heavy, Mike can sense deep down inside a cry that has been trapped for several days. No longer able to hold it back, wondering if hope is truly lost or if any rescue is on the way, the tears of his soul break the silence. Streaming down his face blurring his vision, he can barely see to drive. How can he even operate under these conditions? Is there any one out there? Does any one know the pain he knows deep down inside?

In this sacred pause of time and space, Mike touches the wound that he shares with his soul mate. How long has Dee carried this wound alone? Joined by the tears of pride released, maybe today was the day that the two became one, waiting for the rescue while driving in the rain.

Warning! Do not try this at home!

The story you are about to read is a true story. The names and places of the actual individuals have been changed to protect their identity. Any reproduction or transmission of this story in whole or in part is strictly forbidden and protected by copyright laws.

In our story today, we peek in at the lives of what was an ordinary middle class suburban family living in the south. Mike and Dee are the typical married couple with three children. Trying to make ends meet in an ever increasing credit card world, and living beyond their means for nearly ten years, they found themselves nearly $30,000 in debt. The debt story is the same story for thousands of Americans who because of the low home refinancing rates and constant bombardment of materialistic seduction find themselves sucked into a never ending buying vacuum. As hard as Mike and Dee try, they can’t seem to shake the habit. This is a habit of buying what they want when they want because they have the credit by which to purchase anything they want. They rationalize to themselves that Mike’s next bonus or Dee’s income from the next home business project will bring a chunk of cash of which they will put toward the debt. The fool proof plan fails because something inevitably comes up in which the money is needed and the debt grows with compounding interest.

Mike and Dee’s story takes an interesting turn for the worst when Mike decides to quit his job in search of a more fulfilling life purpose. Selling all their possessions, they decide to move in with Dee’s parents while they wait for the sale of the house. Once again their hope is in one big chunk of cash to set them free to live life as they desire. Mike and Dee have fallen into the trap of the money escape hatch. What they don’t realize is that they have already escaped.

For them it is very difficult to know that they have escaped because they are so close to the situation. The escape is not the difficult part all though it takes incredible fortitude to make the jump from one lifestyle to another, but the real challenge comes when because of the jump you see how messed up and out of order your life had become. Re-prioritizing comes with a great deal of pain, like a drug addict going through detox. It feels like the pain is too much to handle. It would just be better to go back to the old way of living. The problem is when you make the “life jump” there is no going back because you have already seen the truth.

When the desire to spend is gone it is a natural response of the human body to need a stimulus to replace that empty feeling. Worry becomes the new stimuli for the life jumpers. How will the bills get paid? How are we going to take care of next month’s food and gas needs? Once again it is difficult to see when you are in the moment, but worry is really vain superstition. This is a time of raw emotions and self-doubt. It is the condition which requires the warning, “Do not attempt this at home!” For Mike and Dee this internal motive examination feels like the life of a bug under the magnifying glass feeling the heat of the sunlight intensified to the point that external combustion is almost certain. If you have made it to this point in the story, Mike and Dee would like to seriously warn you to keep your ordinary comfortable lives. This is too difficult. If anyone tells you it will be fine you’ll make it through, turn and run for your life. It is impossible to make this journey alone.

Mike and Dee are fortunate enough to have a couple of friends who want to help them through this difficult transformational process. But there is another force at work in this story. To admit you have a problem, is to admit that you are weak, therefore the internal mechanism of pride rises to the top and paralyzes the individual to reach out for help. In a social climate that recognizes and promotes self resolution, humility and meekness is considered useless and ineffective.

Extended family can be a powerful aid in this difficult as well, however the addictions of the family can be traced from generation to generation. Mike and Dee while staying at her parent’s house find this to be true. It is like a double edge sword; in this concentrated environment near the source of contention, it has the potential to completely heal the ailment or to bring about certain death of the life jumper’s spirit. Just one incident that comes close to the original wound can bring you to the edge of the knife of destruction that kills the spirit of hope or it can set you free to live life like never before. Many times in this concentrated environment there are repeated “close calls.”

Once again please, Do not attempt this at home! We must break for station identification and messages from our supporters. What will happen to Mike and Dee? Stay tuned.

To be continued…

this restoration life

when I was four
I lived life outloud
with toys and more.

the mach5 and star wars
no guilt no shame
for freedom was my game.

what will tomorrow bring?
a day of play or a day of pain?

digging in the dirt
trying to make a way through
what darkness lay around the corner?

the innocense stolen from a boy
when those who are so close
are the ones who have the power
to wound so deeply.

how deep the wounds run
when time runs like sand
how deep, how long, will brokeness remain?
forgotten is the path of pain.

so easy to forget
for to remember is to be afflicted once again
as age grows on, the road to heal fades in the distance
how far away, how closer still, is the splintered soul?

a deeper magic still there is
for there is One who restores better than before
gathering shattered glimmers of light
until all is made whole again.

is this the marvelous light that shines through the darkness
can it be so? Can hope return to free despair?

now the boy become a man
begins to hope again
stepping forth with trembling fear
it is time to look into despair?

for through the darkness light prevails
the buried wound now laid bare
feels the balm of the healing pool of life.

what is the pool of light that heals my wounds?
emerging from the stream of Life
only an outline of the wound remains
for I have been freed to live again.

to live outloud
everyday I am being re-made
better than before.

this is restoration
this is the life
I live today.

the first day of a new month

Today is the first day of August and it seems as though a new chapter has begun. Our friends Brian and Candace arrived in Honolulu yesterday to begin the process of finding the essentials, living quarters, job opportunities, and schooling for the kids.

We are still waiting for the sale of our house before we can begin planning our departure to the islands. After evaluating what our basic needs are, we have are lowering the asking price of our home from $195k to $188k. Hopefully, the price reduction will bring in a wider range of buyers. We are traveling back to Tallahassee this weekend to check on the house and to turn off some of the utilities. We are looking forwarded to having dinner with some close friends while we are there and to have a few days of solitude to listen to the One who illuminates the path.

We are preparing to home school the oldest girls through an online virtual classroom from K12.com. What an amazing idea, public school online! We will have outlines, text books, computers, and a designated teacher to have available for questions and monthly assessments for the kids, all for free! And the great thing is K12.com is in about 15 states now including Hawaii.

This morning I met with Rob (realsoulsurfer). We sat in his living room and just talked about life and how things were going. It was amazing to me that he would sacrifice his time to talk with me when I have nothing to offer him or his ministry. His genuine care for me and my family is an inspiration. One thing I shared with him was concerning my newly developing awareness about what it means to be the provider of the family. For so long provider meant a material provider, but now I am being exposed to a fuller understanding of the father/provider role. In the past, I gave 95% of my creative energies to my work and only 5% to my family. I am so ready to find a healthier balance for creative energies. I want to love my kids with all my being, not out of obligation but out of a desire to build a creative and loving environment for them to grow. While talking with Rob about that Darla called to say she may have the opportunity to make sufficient income through court reporting and that I should consider staying at home with the kids. Wow, what a chance of a lifetime! It will be such a change from the life I have known for the last ten years.

Over the last seven days I haven’t written one page of the new book project. I have been just talking with people about the concept of the book and listening to what kind of feed back I get. Thank you to everyone who commented on the blog with kinds words of affirmation. The next seven days I am brainstorming the synopsis. A daily devotion of creative wordsmithing, I guess you could say. Tonight I bought a green spiral notebook (at the Dollar Tree- living on a budget you know) to begin the process.

Well that is a pretty good update one what is happening to the Winn people along this journey. Who knows what the next 40 days will hold. I am looking forward with great anticipation!

May you find the One who holds all things together busy at work in the most unlikely places, capturing your heart once again!

Hoping for the 7th Day

Last night I was watching Over Hauled on The Learning Channel. I think they might be onto something. If you haven’t watched the show, it is similar to Extreme Home Makeover on ABC. The differences are they makeover someone’s car instead of their home, and instead of sending them on vacation while redoing the house, they pretend to steal or tow away the person’s car. Rather than checking in with warm and fuzzy stories with the family and Ty Penington, the person is prank called three times setting up the final scene where they are given their completely restored and customized car.

Last night as I watched the guy squirm both on the phone and in person as the prank calls were made, I couldn’t help but to sympathize with his pain. He had spent the last four years trying to restore, with his own resources, a 96 two door Chevy Tahoe. It looked pretty good from the outside. It was painted, had sweet rims, and was slightly lowered. The guy got a job as a mechanic at a GM dealership just so he could learn how to work on his truck. The guy did not lack for dedication. But with all his dedication and hard work on the outside, the most important things, the engine and transmission, were shot. All his hard work literally got him nowhere.

Thinking about it today, there were 3 prank calls each one trying to get the guy to lose his cool. I guess one could say the pranks were mini-trials of character. The guy was really pretty level headed about the whole thing, but you could hear him agonizing over the situation. While he was agonizing the “design team” was completely stripping down the Tahoe to restore it to beyond its original design. They put in six sub-woofers, custom leather seats, air suspension kit, custom paint including an air brush symbol of a bull dog (the guy had just bought a new puppy), and 20 inch chrome wheels, and a new engine and transmission, and more.

After seven days of restoration (interesting symbolic number), the completely customized Tahoe was ready to be delivered. The host of the show met with the owner of the truck in a last prank with the wrong Tahoe on a flat bed tow truck, trying to get the guy to settle for something other than his truck. The guy said “NO Way!” Finally, the host tells the guy he is on Overhaulin' and takes him to his truck at the makeover shop.

They guy is so humbled almost to the point of tears. He keeps going on and on about how this is so amazing. How it is more than he would ever dream of and how he wouldn’t change anything! He even says, “I think I have died and gone to heaven!” He goes around hugging every single person that had anything to do with the restoration project. Not only was the truck transformed but so was he! He even says, “You have changed my life for ever!” Lastly, his fiancé, who had set up the whole thing comes out, and he just melts in her arms. His mom comes in and she too is overwhelmed by the whole thing.

Could this be a picture of how the Father works, allowing the pressures of the world to close in on us, while shaping our character along the way? All the while, He is completely working out all the details of the dream life project down to the minutest detail. Our best efforts with limited resources pales in comparison to His finished masterpiece, because only the Creator of our souls can restore the inner shape of our being. This put-back-better-than-before life is a life that was meant to be shared with others so that the Restoration Story might go on and on. So that others who feel as though life is cruel and hard might know there is hope around the corner. There can be a day 7 for every one.

My hope is that I am living the Over Hauled story of the restoration gospel. And while I am going through what seems like a cruel prank, this season is just character shaping for the customized kingdom life that is being worked on behind the scenes by the Extreme Maker of all things.

This has to be one of the most difficult passages in the sacred text:
“Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” Psalm 27:14

May those who read this story know that the One who is total restoration is working in your midst. Be strong, have heart, hope is on the way.

ok FINE I'll write the book!

Well after many comments here and there, and a chance meeting with the co-author of a book about the spiritual journey while at Books-a-Million one day, I am making the commitment to write a book. I guess one would ask what is the name of this book and what is it about? The best that I can tell now the working title would be:

The Real Zoo: Opening the cages of the status quo to find real life.

Thank you to all the people who have encouraged me to make this leap of faith and tell the story that seems to be taking place all around us. I don't know who would read this book or what they would do with it or why, but it seems like this is the next step in my journey.

I am also encouraged to know that I am in good company with people who weren't qualified, certified, or licensed to do _______, but nevertheless stepped out into the unknown in search of the real life hidden beneath the status quo yet a life longing to be lived.

May it be written.

the yellow brick road to Haight Street in San Francisco

Yesterday we spent the day in California with our friends from CRASH exploring Haight Street in downtown San Francisco. As we walked up and down the streets of the vintage clothing shops, smoke shops, and everything in-between, I couldn’t help but to be overwhelmed by the sense that this is a city crawling with people who are searching. We joined in the pursuit of searching for something.
Whether it is a bargain priced pair of polka dot Chuck Taylor Converse, a Mighty Mouse vintage tee, or an ancient fighting dragon tattoo, we are all looking for something. I was mesmerized by the incredible beauty of the vintage shops. Both the interior and the exterior were rich with character and nostalgia.
The towering mini Victorian flats pressed up next to one another seemed to express the cultural relationship of people, proximity, and passion. There is something very romantic about the crown modeling, panoramic window panes, and contrasting enamel color tones of these majestic urban dwellings. One can only image what kinds of stories these homes might tell if they could speak an audible language. And yet without using words they seem to speak quite loudly of life that can be lived if one is truly willing to leave the world of certain expectations behind in search for an authentic life.
And of course the shop owners and patrons were equally unique and intriguing. Freedom of expression is the rule in this alternative fashion district. In a world that seems to dictate the rules of expression and of self identity, Haight Street is a yellow brick road to a sensual expression of the hidden life.

Some may view this little corner of San Francisco as one of America’s dirty little secrets, but others may scream to the rooftops celebrating the departure from the status quo. No matter one’s political or social position, it is hard to discredit the fact that on these narrow streets there is a cultural expression spanning four decades, not to mention the positive economical impact to this San Francisco district.
Darla and I have been dreaming in the secret places of our heart that one day we would open the doors of our own eclectic little shop of expression. We both love unique clothing, memorabilia from the last four decades, and bold expressions of faith. Could our trip down Haight Street be a sampling of what our future may hold, or is it once again just a temptation of a dream that will remain just that, a dream? Can our dreams come alive once again? It is time for this little boy and his little girl who found their hearts playing together nearly 17 years ago to step into the reality of a dream come true. Oh I hope that the One-who-dreams-all-things-into-being hears the cry of our hearts.

In a world of people who are afraid to dream, may we be a story of the ones who risked everything to follow the dream of their heart.

In the words of The Missionary Heart:

Care more than some think is wise.
Risk more than some think is safe.
Dream more than some think is practical.
Expect more than some think is possible.

do you remember the name of this road?

We are all travelers down some path to somewhere. Throughout ancient time, and the time we call today, there is a road that many travelers have found their way through.

The first mention of this road is from a sacred story of a group of newly freed slaves from Egypt on a long transformational journey to become a nation. As they moved across the land, they unknowingly learned many things about spiritual formation as a community. At one point in the pilgrimage, they came to a road bordered by a long time feudal family, the Edomites. The name Edom in their language translated “red.” Red was a physical reminder of Esau, the founding father of this region.

The community of newly freed slaves from Egypt traveled very diplomatically through this area called Edom. No doubt on some level there must have been a connection with the age old family wound stemming from Jacob and Esau (Genesis 32). This wound began as a small but bitter root of Resentment. I wonder what 400 years of carrying resentment looks like? No wonder this community of newly freed slaves kept saying, “We would have been better off….” They carried the ancient wound of Resentment deep within their heritage.

The name of this road bordering Edom was called the King’s Highway (Numbers 20). It was a road that stretched from Egypt to Assyria. But for this community of newly freed slaves it was the ancient highway to remember the wound of resentment. This highway was well known to many who had traveled before them, but to them it was an unknown road with many lessons to be learned along the way.

What is the life lesson of the destructive power of unresolved family of origin issues to those who are traveling along the King’s Highway? Maybe that is the point of the story; release from physical bondage is only one part of the transformational life of Freedom. The second half is to travel through oppression at the deepest level of one’s soul.

This doesn’t sound like a walk in the park to me. No wonder we find note after note in the sacred stories of history telling us to remember the Highway.

Isaiah said… “A highway will be there, it will be called the Way of the God-purified-Life.” (Is. 35:8)

What is the road that I am traveling down? Where am I leading my family? I am not alone on this journey.

Jeremiah said… “Set up road signs, put up guide posts. Take note of the highway, the road that you take.” (Jer. 31:21)

I would do well to write this journey down, making note of all the healing stops along the way.

Jesus said… “But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” (Matt. 7:14)

No wonder this trek is so difficult, it strikes against the grain of the popular life of success. This must be the True Path of Life. I long to find my community of newly freed slaves, so that we might travel together along the King’s Highway.