a cup of criticism please...

How do you handle heavy criticism among your peers? I found myself in such a place last week. I was sharing ideas about an exciting project that was being developed for our business with a group of managers. When I was finished laying out the basics concepts, I was bombarded with what I perceived as the “let’s figure out all the faults of the project before it even gets started” session. A flash of lava hot anger flared in my gut, I wanted to stand up and shout “you are all a bunch of flippin’ idiots!” and the storm out the door.

For some reason I kept mouth shut and forced myself to listen to their criticism of the project. I responded by saying, “I really appreciate all of your comments and feedback, I hope that as this project rolls out, you will have the same level of intensity to see it succeed.” The meeting moved on to the next topic and I sat in my chair and just wrestled with what just happened. I felt as though on some subconscious level of theirs, they were celebrating the fact that they had completely knocked the wind out of my sails to prove they were superior to the ideal of the project.

As the meeting concluded, I began to internally scan their comments for any valid areas of concern and found two. I left the meeting and called a support team and discussed with them the two points of concern, together we came up with solutions which made very good structural sense. This week I will look to see how to implement them.

All in all, I learned a very valuable lesson, as a creative and passionate person who puts a little piece of me into every project I am in, when I am asked to give my creative energy to a project it is a gift and I can not be responsible for how that gift is criticized. My strength comes from the fact that I know the creative process is good no matter what others opinions might be about it and how I handle constructive criticism is part of that creative process.

the matrix quiz

You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.

What Matrix Persona Are You?
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agents of good in a wreck of evil

I have been thinking about why is it that we are sometimes over whelmed with the fear, stress, and pressure.

Can't you see I'm black and blue, beat up badly in bones and soul? GOD, how long will it take for you to let up? Break in, GOD, and break up this fight; if you love me at all, get me out of here. I'm no good to you dead, am I? I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb! I'm tired of all this--so tired. My bed has been floating forty days and nights on the flood of my tears. My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears.

It seems as though evil lurks around every corner.

They hide behind ordinary people, then pounce on their victims. They mark the luckless,then wait like a hunter in a blind; When the poor wretch wanders too close, they stab him in the back. The hapless fool is kicked to the ground; the unlucky victim is brutally axed.

I wonder if God really knows how evil these days have become?

Look at that guy! He had sex with sin, he's pregnant with evil. Oh, look! He's having the baby--a Lie-Baby!

Does God even care? Because I think, if he did care why would he allow it to continue.

GOD, are you avoiding me? Where are you when I need you? Full of hot air, the wicked are hot on the trail of the poor. The wicked snub GOD, their noses stuck high in the air. Their graffiti are scrawled on the walls: "Catch us if you can!" "God is dead." They care nothing for what you think; if you get in their way, they blow you off.

As I lamented the prayers of the Psalms (in italics), I couldn’t help but to sense that I come from a long line of people who see the ramped evil running amuck in the world and are greatly disturbed and heavy hearted over it. As hopeless as it might seem, as a people of good, something from the center of our being calls us into the battle that rages on calling on the Source of all things to make things right in this time here and now. But what does that sound and look like?

Up, GOD! My God, help me! Slap their faces, First this cheek, then the other, Your fist hard in their teeth! Real help comes from GOD. Your blessing clothes your people! Listen, GOD! Please, pay attention! Can you make sense of these ramblings, my groans and cries?King-God, I need your help. Every morning you'll hear me at it again. Every morningI lay out the pieces of my life on your altar and watch for fire to descend.

Close the book on Evil, GOD, but publish your mandate for us. You get us ready for life: you probe for our soft spots, you knock off our rough edges. And I'm feeling so fit, so safe:made right, kept right. Nobody gets by with anything. God is already in action--Sword honed on his whetstone, bow strung, arrow on the string, Lethal weapons in hand,each arrow a flaming missile.

There is this work of the heart that takes place between me and God and that is where the lines of the Kingdom advance. Is it a tough and long road to walk? Yes, it is. Am I alone? No. What would it sound like to carry on?

Long enough, GOD- you've ignored me long enough. I've looked at the back of your head long enough. Long enough I've carried this ton of trouble, lived with a stomach full of pain.Long enough my arrogant enemies have looked down their noses at me. Take a good look at me, GOD, my God; I want to look life in the eye, So no enemy can get the best of meor laugh when I fall on my face. I've thrown myself headlong into your arms-- I'm celebrating your rescue. I'm singing at the top of my lungs, I'm so full of answered prayers.

May we find ourselves agents of making-things-right in this world…Hope is not lost. May we be the handiwork-of-God right around the corner, emerging from the unexpected.

All quotes are from Psalms 1-13 The Message

could this be the promised land?

From a very young age I have drawn mountain scenes from memories in my heart. I traveled through the Rockies and across the Grand Canyon. Today I began to sketch in my journal and this is what emerged. I have been thinking on the sacred journey of Joshua and the people of God. Their period of wondering was one of discovery and cleansing.

I can't help but find our story in their story. Maybe the images in my sketch are mirrors on the door of introspection of one's life. I also can't help to think about the "face to face" passage that has also been lingering in my heart these last few days. Maybe they are reflective of the relationships that we have endured along this trek.

I guess today I found some solace in the fact that after the period of cleansing and discovery they did finally entered into the land that the LORD their God had promised them. Somewhere deep within me I am hopeful that we are stumbling onto what they came to know as holy ground, If only I can stop long enough to realize where I am. 

a slice of humble pie

Sometimes eating a piece of humble pie is hard to do. Why does it feel like being asked to play second string when all you want to do is just get out there and play your heart out? Maybe it has to do with swallowing my pride and doing what I was called to do given the situation.

Darla was talking about wisdom yesterday. In the past, I have thought of wisdom as knowing how to make the right decision the first time around. And maybe it does partially, but I am coming to understand wisdom to also mean acknowledging when I have strayed off course 2 degrees and then making the necessary amends with whom ever so that I might get back on track. Humility must be a component of wisdom. Arrogance is surely not.

I wish I could explain to you how incredibly rich a life Darla and I have been given. Maybe the best way to do that is not to try and hold on to it, but to give it away every chance we get.

May you find the scent of generosity lingering through you and in you today.

blue flame of old

"the LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with a friend." Exodus 33:11

Thank you Lord that you are the One who forgives and grants mercy to your children, may your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. It is by your works that we are given our daily bread.

What is a friendship?

In Numbers 12 the sacred text tells of a story that involves Moses, Miriam, and Aaron. There was something not right between the three of them. The Living God called them to come together to talk. He called them to the Tent of Meeting, which back then must have been like his living room. In this space, these brothers and sister spoke to one another face to face.

As I have been wrestling with this story on a personal level, this image emereged in my journal. On January 8

What would this meeting look like today? Where would the Tent of Meeting be located? One thing is for sure, where ever it is grace, forgiveness, and healing would be present. What happens when we get together to say I am sorry? What happens when our hearts are humbled? What happens when I desire connection and fellowship greater than my own pride? What happens when we speak face to face? I think we began to stumble upon holy ground and our hearts begin to become whole.

As the people of God following the path of Jesus, we are compelled to live in harmony with each other and with the One who holds it all together. He has been reconciling people since before Mesopotamia and he still is reconciling all people. Maybe the story of Moses, Miriam, and Aaron happened long ago, and yet it is happening today all around us.

Are you in the story? 

guilty of murder?

"You're familiar with the command to the ancients, "Do not murder.' I'm telling you that anyone who is so much as angry with a brother or sister is guilty of murder. Carelessly call a brother "idiot!' and you just might find yourself hauled into court. Thoughtlessly yell "stupid!' at a sister and you are on the brink of hellfire. The simple moral fact is that words kill. "This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God. "Or say you're out on the street and an old enemy accosts you. Don't lose a minute. Make the first move; make things right with him. After all, if you leave the first move to him, knowing his track record, you're likely to end up in court, maybe even jail. If that happens, you won't get out without a stiff fine. Adultery and Divorce.

Matthew 5:21-26

I am so restless. I know what I have done. I have sentenced myself to this prision. Where is my humility? Why can’t I just say I am sorry? Pride is so stupid, yet so powerful. I love my brother and sister; they mean the world to me. If only I could “diallasso.” This division kills me. It is like the vine from War of the Worlds, decay has set it. I am slowly deteriorating from with in.

May the LORD of Restoration rescue me and grant me grace and humility. Amen

are you here?

Today I was driving back from lunch, and I was thinking of how much of what is written on the blog’s of the people of theRealZoo is really from their heart. I am so glad that God has invited me to be a part of His thing here. Maybe you have been reading along for sometime or maybe today is your first time. The thing that seems to stir in my soul is to say to you “you are not alone!” Thank you for stopping by from time to time. For those of you who have left comments, thank you, because by your comments you have given us comfort that we are not alone. If you have never made a comment I want to invite you to join the conversation even if it is “hey.” Comments can be anonymous, which is one great thing about this space, all are welcome. May you continue to search for what it is that yearns to be known, and May His face shine upon you today.

bringing Heaven to Earth

Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Keep us alive with three square meals. Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others. Keep us safe from ourselves and the Evil one. You're in charge! You can do anything you want! You're ablaze in beauty! Yes. Yes. Yes. "

In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part.

The question really is am I actively participating in the act of bringing heaven to earth?

checking my life lens

“Is the gospel God’s work in the world for us or is the gospel what God has done for me? Does it operate, to borrow an image from Donald Miller’s Blue Like Jazz, as if this world is a movie in which God has appointed me as the central actor (or actress)? Or is it the work of God as a universal and cosmic thing in which we get to participate? More likely the gospel is the staged drama of God’s work and we get to take part; God is the central character.”

What is the gospel? Cover story article by Scott McKnight from http://www.the-next-wave.org/

What does this matter? Why ponder such theological issues? I think it matters a lot for someone like me who can be very self-centered. It is so easy to try and look at life through the cracked lens of “what does God want me to do?” rather than the holistic approach of “where is the work of God and do I want to participate?” I guess it might be time to change the prescription of my way of looking at life. Just as with any corrective eye solutions, regular examinations are essential, so must the eyes of my soul be tested that I might regularly examine my way of understanding the Truth.

john carryman speaks

words from the past

Fear and guilt… Two words that as a child I knew too well. My fear was mostly of snakes. I remember having dreams as a child where my entire front yard was covered in snakes of all kinds. I had to make some kind of vine to swing across them in order to land on my porch to gain safe entrance into my house. This was probably due to my fascination with Indiana Jones movies. I loved the adventure but was terrified of the scary bugs, snakes, and spooky stuff.

Later in my childhood, my fear became tied to the loss of things around me. Around the age of 10, I noticed my parents (mostly my mom) constantly yelled at everyone. I began to sense that things were some how coming apart. The atmosphere of my house was like a war, a war with raging words like missles and grenades flying through the living room, dining room, and bedrooms. I began to fear that, FAMILY, the only thing that I had known as true and good was tearing a part. And there was nothing I could do about it, as much as I thought I could. My situation was hopeless.

And then at age 12, it happened. My fear turned to guilt. My parents separated. And everything in me said that I was to blame. In my world everything evolved around me. So if my family world was crumbling down on the outside so was my little spirit on the inside.

I share this story because it is real. It is my life. It is how I came to know fear and guilt. Wrong as they are, this is the point of reference at the center of me.

In her recent book, Christ the LORD, Anne Rice captures the atmosphere of the child Jesus growing up in Alexandria, the most prominent city in first century Egypt. In the last two chapters, in which I finished last night, the boy Jesus finds about his past. He comes to realize that because of the situation surrounding his birth, over 200 children were killed by a paranoid Herod. At the age of seven, Jesus was surrounded by war as the Roman Republic fought to become the Roman Empire. In every city, children lived in fear of the soldiers knocking on the door demanding the life of the children in the house. Jesus knew fear and guilt as a child.

Maybe now when I read the “red letters that speak to fear and guilt,” I realize they came from a child who became a man - who became the greatest Rabbi the world has ever known, and I will remember that He struggled though the emotions of strife and even death to find hope. He came that we might find, as he said, “this life.” Hope is alive.

wrestling with the unknown

Many thoughts of transition have raced through my mind these last few weeks. Could there be something happening that I am not aware of? Is it possible that there are things set in motion that have been a part of the sacred story that only now will come to pass? Where is the thin line of being alert and sober to the events and things around you to let them unfold as they may and crossing the line to control or twist them to the way I wished they would turn out?

Where do my thoughts end and divine inspiration begin? Which ones do I pull the trigger on? Sometimes I think of Peter who was so zealous for the LORD and in so being did some foolish and unreasonable things. Yet it was his passion for the truth that led him to act. I am thankful for the LORD who forgives those like me who get all excited and run off to do silly things. Yet He is always faithful to remind us where we can find him.

Why does he keep sending people and money to help us along the way when it doesn’t seem like we are on any kind of path? This is crazy! It feels like being on life support as though we are in a spiritual ICU where there are moments when we fade in and out of consciousness.

Thank you to all the messengers who have brought gifts of encouragement to us along the way. You have no idea how sustaining your words are to Darla and I. May you sense His presence as you inhale and exhale deeply today! Amen.

Narnia - through the eyes of a child

Good morning to all, yesterday I took my family to see The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, of the Chronicles of Narnia. As a boy, I can remember watching a cartoon version shown on regular TV around Christmas time. In that version, the demons and henchman that worked for the White Queen terrified me. And when they shaved off Aslan’s hair, it was though a dagger was driven through my heart. Terror gripped me like a sudden heart attack. I can’t remember back then who I felt the most like, as a child I think we try to imagine who we are in the movie. Have we lost the art of finding ourselves in the epic stories all around us?

After the movie the girls asked who do you think we are? Needless to say we have a little Peter, a little Susan, some of Lucy, and even some Edmund. I was taken by surprise when my oldest said that I was most like the centaur who fought with Peter in the great battle. How humbling it is to know that my daughter sees her father as a champion. If I could only see myself that way, the simple eyes of a child.

Portrait of the Champion Idealist (eNFp)

I am usually not real big on taking these test but this one is scary close to my inner thoughts and feelings...

The Champion Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in accomplishing their aims, and informative and extraverted when relating with others. For Champions, nothing occurs which does not have some deep ethical significance, and this, coupled with their uncanny sense of the motivations of others, gives them a talent for seeing life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil. This type is found in only about 3 percent of the general population, but they have great influence because of their extraordinary impact on others. Champions are inclined to go everywhere and look into everything that has to do with the advance of good and the retreat of evil in the world. They can't bear to miss out on what is going on around them; they must experience, first hand, all the significant social events that affect our lives. And then they are eager to relate the stories they've uncovered, hoping to disclose the "truth" of people and issues, and to advocate causes. This strong drive to unveil current events can make them tireless in conversing with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out.

Champions consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life, although they can never quite shake the feeling that a part of themselves is split off, uninvolved in the experience. Thus, while they strive for emotional congruency, they often see themselves in some danger of losing touch with their real feelings, which Champions possess in a wide range and variety. In the same vein, Champions strive toward a kind of spontaneous personal authenticity, and this intention always to "be themselves" is usually communicated nonverbally to others, who find it quite attractive. All too often, however, Champions fall short in their efforts to be authentic, and they tend to heap coals of fire on themselves, berating themselves for the slightest self-conscious role-playing.

excerpted from The Pygmalion Project: Volume 3 The Idealists, by Dr. Stephen Montgomery
Copyright © 1989 Stephen Montgomery
While the shy, seclusive Monastics [now called Healers] (Myers's "INFPs") devote themselves largely to cultivating inner purity, the high-spirited Advocates [now called Champions} (Myers's "ENFPs") turn their energies outward to investigate the public world and to develop their social awareness. Keirsey calls the Advocates "keen and penetrating observers," who "can't bear to miss out on what is going on around them." And he has referred to them both as "Apocalyptics" and "Heralds" because of their fervent desire to spread the news of their experience of good and evil.

Brimming with life, Advocates live more spontaneously "in-the-flesh" than Monastics, and at first glance they can be rather easily mistaken for Artisans. But more than simply seeking the excitement of new experiences, Advocates are interested in understanding the significance of things, and more than simply taking people as they find them, Advocates care about nurturing ethical and sympathetic social relationships. To be sure (and unlike the impulsive Artisans), Advocates are serious and conscientious in their relationships, wanting to nourish human potential and to awaken what they believe to be the latent morality in their fellow-men. In a word, Advocates are romantic in their relation to the real world, seeing high drama in their quest for life, and hearing an irresistible call to enlighten those around them.

Although Advocates are thus more public-minded than the Monastics, and more confident in dealing with people, they are only slightly more directive in their private interactions. Like all the Idealists, Advocates want harmony above all else in their personal relationships, and they are far more inclined to "re-form" their loved ones by presenting them with information than by giving them commands. Nevertheless, Advocates can be quite coercive in their role-informative style of defining relationships. Advocates delight in free discussions of current issues -- they burn with convictions and bubble with meaningful details, yearning to unveil what they believe to be the "true story" of significant events. At times, Advocates will champion a cause with such zeal that they can be carried away with the rightness of their position, and find themselves preaching to their friends and loved ones, trying fervently to convince them of their point of view. Indeed, in their penchant for investigating and reporting "the truth," Advocates can quite easily strain their relationships by reading too much into their loved ones' behavior, by over-interpreting the hidden meanings in their loved ones' words, and by overstating their own romantic views as apocalyptic revelations.

All I can say is this is crazy! Its almost like looking in the mirrow translated into words.

what are you looking at?

"To look at something as though we had never seen it before requires great courage.”

Henri Matisse
At first glance this quote really grabs my attention, but the more I think about it the more captured I am by its simplistic yet profound meaning. Here are some questions that I have wanted to ask:

What does it mean to be a family?
Why do we work?
Why do we laugh when it hurts?
Can I really let go of the fear of pain?
Are my children going to have to suffer through life?
Why can’t I find the movement of Jesus?
What are my children learning in school?
Why do some people hide from their shame?
Can AIDS be cured? What is church?
Why does violence run so rampant in some areas and not in others?
Why don’t people say what they mean?
What if the rules are broken? Who made the rules?
Why do children from age 5-8 ask so many questions?
What would it take to look at things as though I have never seen them before?

It is good to have space that one can explore the questions that haunt the soul. May those who read these words find a still place to humble themselves before the One who created all things in Heaven and on Earth and bring to the light that which has been in darkness.

the lost art of forming the family circle

“The room had been cleaned, the floor swept and beautiful rugs had been put down, rugs covered with flowers woven into the wool. We were told to sit down and listen… I remember now that we had gathered for this purpose before… We made a big think circle.. I crossed my legs, as were the rest of my family… Mother spoke of grandfathers and grandmothers who had married and gone on… Both the men and women had been repeating what she’d been telling, in order to Remember it.” Boy Jesus age 7
Excerpt from Christ the Lord by Anne Rice

I copied this in my journal on November 9th. It impacted my soul when I read it. Something deep in me connected with the imagery of a whole family gathering together to share their story, all of it, the good, the bad, and the unspeakable. I have not blogged about it until now; for fear that it would only be a good idea and not a reality for my family. Today I am writing to celebrate that the story has come full circle. Sunday night the Winn family came together in the middle of the living room floor and began to share our struggles and pains as we grow as a family. Each one of us shared from a place that may have been a little awkward at first, but came easier as the night grew. Something special was given space to grow.

In the middle of our time together one of the little girls said with eyes beaming in delight, “this meeting is GREAT! I love our family!” Then the other one said “telling our stories is good because we can all know where we are coming from.” I couldn’t have explained it better myself. My Father in heaven must know the inner desire of my heart to grant us this precious gift. His will is done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

We are reclaiming the formation of the family circle… a place where hearts, fears, and hopes come together in the sacred place of the story of us. By gathering this way, we are entering into a tradition that is as old as the earth itself. By redeeming the practice of remembrance, we are remembering… The Lord has done great things for us!

who is john carryman?

I have been intrigued by a man who has been traveling down a main thoroughfare near my house over the last month or so. He walks alone carrying his pack. He appears to be homeless. Each day I have wondered what would it be like to walk in his shoes. A few days ago I blogged about "the tunnel" which was stirred by a journal entry that I sketched out depicting a tunnel and in the image there was a man traveling into the darkness. I guess this painting is my response to the image that has been wrestling with my soul.

Filled with compassion, my daughters named the man carrying his bag John because they wanted to pray for him. I have been thinking about interacting with him, but I have wondered if I would be intruding on his way of life. I would love to know the God he knows. Maybe his god doesn't have a name, maybe he does. If I were to give him some money would that be ok? How would he receive the money? I don't think of him as a charity cause but rather I genuinely want to enter his world to see how it looks through his eyes. Maybe he knows the same God that I know but knows him more intimately than I do. Maybe he completely trusts God to supply his every need and I only trust God to fulfill my wish list and to answer my questions. Who is John the carry man? What truths does he carry in his bag? What could I learn from the man who has entered my world and captured our thoughts and prayers? May the LORD who holds all things guide our paths, and may his face shine upon us.

who am I missing?

I have often thought that there is something missing in my life. It is one of those things like a vacuum in a place where you know there should be something of great value that extends beyond temporal satisfaction. Over the last few months Darla and I have been searching for what seems to be eluding us – relational community. Is it possible that it could be right there in front of me? Is there someone or a group of people that are so desperate to hear our stories and for us to know theirs yet I have neglected them or looked right passed them? How can I be so short sighted? In looking for souls to connect with I have failed to see the love in their tender hearts?

Why is it that I am brought to this same frame of mind once every couple of months? Oh that my heart would be changed to think of them everyday in ways that they become the real community that I am intricately woven into with my heart, soul, and strength. Praise be to God that I have not had to lose one of them to come to this place of sensitivity and awareness that they are my first community, my precious ones, bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh, the ones that call me daddy.

where are we going? who are we becoming?

Last night my wife and I were discussing what kind of community of faith we see ourselves becoming a part of. This question was prompted by my 6 year old asking the question "when are we going back to church?" I told her that we were learning what it means to be the church where ever we are and where ever we go which means to love one another, share our stuff, and be kind to those who are in need. She said she missed learning about Jesus. I thought to myself, heck, I am still trying to learn about the real and difficult things about Jesus. Our conversation ended as we arrived at the store. My wife said maybe we aren't doing a good enough job in relating that learning about Jesus is not about knowing the stories, but living a way of life according to the truths behind the stories. But for all of her (my daughter's) life, all she knows is the church as we know today.

This morning I recieved a newsletter from theOoze by Frank Viola entitled AN INTERVIEW: with a Modern-Day, Sunday-Morning, Church-Going Christian. Wow! What a great narrative that really captures the desire in my heart about what a community of faith can look like. My hope is that one day the people of the realZoo can grow into a group of people who are living life together encouraging one another though the chaos.