the position of learning

"As we prepare to recreate Sinai during the upcoming holiday of Shavuot, we are struck by the fact that their preparation to receive the Torah was not through diligent study. It was through personal refinement.

Why would personal behavior be the ultimate way to prepare to receive the wisdom of Torah? Because ultimate wisdom is about discovering – and experiencing – ultimate truth, and ultimate truth is not about being smart; it’s about being refined – about a truth that encompasses your entire being and transforms your entire person.

Compartmentalized truth can hardly be called truth. Truth in the mind is not a complete truth. Truth is a full experience.

By humbly refining yourself you become a container that can experience Sinai. Indeed, the Torah was given on Mt. Sinai – the lowest of all the surrounding mountains – to teach us that humility is the key to wisdom." Rabbi Simon Jacobson

the position of learning is a difficult one. in order for me to truly learn something, i must take the position and attitude of understanding that i do not know what it is that i wish to learn. the position of learning is humility. humility can take on many shapes for me. it might be to walk around without my temporary tooth out, it might be not only yielding my position on a certain topic but even going so far as to give first response to the competing argument and then going even one step further which is to repeat that competing argument with respect.

"A fascinating Talmud captures the power of humility in the intellectual pursuit: Three years the school of Shammai and the school of Hillel disputed… Finally a heavenly voice was heard to the effect that both schools expressed the words of the living G-d, but Halacha (the final ruling) prevails according to the school of Hillel. Now if it be true that both schools expressed the words of the living G-d, why should the school of Hillel be thus favored? Because the members of the school of Hillel were modest and patient, and would always repeat the words of the school of Shammai. Moreover, they also always gave the school of Shammai precedence when citing their teachings… From this we learn, that everyone who makes himself humble is raised up by G-d, and one who is arrogant is humbled by G-d. He who pursues greatness, the greatness eludes him, and he who avoids greatness is sought by greatness (Eruvin 13b)."

humility will look like setting aside my "i am right you are wrong" so that i might hear my wife. most recently i ventured outside of my understanding to listen to the sincere words of my bride. i learned that i have a wound that centers around trust. it may manifest itself in my feeling that i think someone might one day steal her away from me, but it comes from a 12 year boy who experienced that is falsely anchored to "marriage is not absolute and can not be trusted" when my parents divorced during my teenage years.

what do i do now? i have learned that deep down i have built a way of living around an experience. one that is real, but yet is not true? how does one tear down and rebuild? why does this deep wound come forward as we rest at the bottom of the manoa valley?

may the One who is true Marriage lead me to the truth. my heart, mind, and soul is bent low, i admit i do not know, please shine your face upon me that i might live in darkness no more. i do not want to live in fear. i want to trust in You. amen.