being present in lovingkindness
Day 2 - Gevurah of Chesed: Discipline in Lovingkindness
"Healthy love must always include an element of discipline and discernment; a degree of distance and respect for another’s boundaries; an assessment of another’s capacity to contain your love. Love must be tempered and directed properly. Ask a parent who, in the name of love, has spoiled a child; or someone who suffocates a spouse with love and doesn't allow them any personal space."
by Rabbi Simon Jacobson
what does it mean for me to respect my wife's boundaries? maybe it means that i should not be like an army general with marching orders to divide and conquer. maybe i should not be authoritarian but rather diplomatic and sensitive when it comes to her borders of sensitive issues. how to be tempered and direct, this is a very interesting idea.
most of the time when engaged in sensitive issues with my wife, i have a tendency to retreat, to withdraw from conflict. i was reminded of this recently when watching "shalom in the home" on tlc. the husband of the family that the rabbi was visiting was retreating when any emotional turmoil arose. in addition to his retreat, the husband also refrained from any heart level engagement with any of the family. he was brought up in an environment of "tough love" and therefore had a very hard time being open and vulnerable with those he loved.
i recognized and related to the feeling of wanting to retreat when i saw the husband do it in the show. but the rabbi explained to the husband that by leaving the situation and going out to the garage, he was sending a message to his family that he cared more about working on his classic mustang than he did about working on his family. wow, the guy was completely oblivious to that perception.
"Healthy love must always include an element of discipline and discernment; a degree of distance and respect for another’s boundaries; an assessment of another’s capacity to contain your love. Love must be tempered and directed properly. Ask a parent who, in the name of love, has spoiled a child; or someone who suffocates a spouse with love and doesn't allow them any personal space."
by Rabbi Simon Jacobson
what does it mean for me to respect my wife's boundaries? maybe it means that i should not be like an army general with marching orders to divide and conquer. maybe i should not be authoritarian but rather diplomatic and sensitive when it comes to her borders of sensitive issues. how to be tempered and direct, this is a very interesting idea.
most of the time when engaged in sensitive issues with my wife, i have a tendency to retreat, to withdraw from conflict. i was reminded of this recently when watching "shalom in the home" on tlc. the husband of the family that the rabbi was visiting was retreating when any emotional turmoil arose. in addition to his retreat, the husband also refrained from any heart level engagement with any of the family. he was brought up in an environment of "tough love" and therefore had a very hard time being open and vulnerable with those he loved.
i recognized and related to the feeling of wanting to retreat when i saw the husband do it in the show. but the rabbi explained to the husband that by leaving the situation and going out to the garage, he was sending a message to his family that he cared more about working on his classic mustang than he did about working on his family. wow, the guy was completely oblivious to that perception.
this spoke to me about my level of connection with my wife and kids. do i regularly take time to explain my feelings or to ask for their true feelings about life? do i take time to share the thoughts that are wrestling in my head? do i seize moments when it is obvious that one of them are troubled, or do i just wish it all away hoping that it will work itself out? these are serious questions that stare me in the face and demand attention. discipline can mean the regular practice of being present in lovingkindness.
3 comments:
you are a wonderful father and husband.... i am one lucky girl....
Hey, I love to watch Shalom In the Home!
Great post!
I have to admit that I too want to retreat. I never allow myself to do it, but I want to. I hate arguing. It drives me insane. However, it is a necessary part of any marriage. Because we are both learning what it means to become one.
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