jealousy is as old as the earth itself
"Coming out of my cage And I've been doing just fine...
Gotta gotta be down Because I want it all...
And my stomach is sick And it's all in my head...
And I just can't look.... It's k i l l i n g me... And taking control
Jealousy... Turning saints into the sea Turning through sick lullabys....But it's just the price I pay....
Destiny is calling me... Open up my eager eyes
cause I'm Mr. Brightside" The Killers
I can barely write about this, it is so now. All I can say is that Darla and I are talking it out every day. Yesterday, I realized how powerful this wicked little secret can be. My source of contempt revolves around my career path. For weeks, I have been wrestling with this heaviness. I really couldn't put my finger on it. But through sharing my fears and pains, we discovered that I was full of jealousy, like a poison. Once I accepted my condition, it helped me to explore how deep it runs. I found that the spirit of jealousy is as old as the earth.
"But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell. " Genesis 4:5
That word "wroth" means to burn with jealousy and anger. Notice Cain's demeanor: his countenace had fallen. You could imagine a man walking around with his face pulled to the ground like an invisible magnetic force field. When I read that verse I saw myself and that is when it all clicked. It's killing me on the inside.
"Anger is cruel, and wrath is like a flood, but who can survive the destructiveness of jealousy?" Proverbs 27:4
The crazy thing about jealousy is that it starts in a very subtle way. You start out thinking how cool it is that so-and-so got a great promotion. The next thing is you start coooking up stuff in your head, and the next thing you know is BANG, you want what they have.
For me it is really sad because I really like my co-workers and wish them the best, but on another level, I thought I was missing out on something.
I came across an idea that the spirit of contentment is the anti-dote for jealousy. Being ok with what I have or where I am is the beginning of release. Not to mention prayer for myself but also for the people to whom my thoughts burn. This is better said than done. I am just taking it one day at a time.
Has anyone ever gone through something like this? How did it go? 
4 comments:
thank you for sharing this...so many of us go through this, and this is just something that's not really talked about much, especially in church circles. it's more like, here are the "steps" to prevent you from getting to this point, but never what to do if you're right in the middle of it. i'm so glad we recognized this for what it is and that you're on the path to being okay with where you are and not worrying about where others are. i love you michael... i love who you are.
Michael, I agree with Darla that we ALL go through this. And it IS subtle, often subconscious.
In my experience, once I've discovered jealousy in myself--once I've blown its cover--its power over me is undermined. That's not to say it doesn't sneak back when I'm not looking. But (hopefully) I recognize the symptoms better now than I used to.
"being okay with where you are and not worrying about where others are"
Yes, I am glad to be traveling in this direction. I love you too.
"once I've blown its cover"
Great comment David, And it has lost its power since I've talked about it with Darla and a couple of friends, blogged it out, and written prayer journal pages. Thanks for your support!
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