small but deep fractures

Of course the first day of lent will start off good, then at some point eventually turn south. Mostly because I have such strong convictions to do the right thing, but my life is so delicately woven together made up of tiny fractures, eventually I have this sense that things could be falling apart.

It is amazing to me how small those splinters are but how they seem to be so distinctive and so deep within us. One of my fractures is the fear of disappointing others, becasue I have been disappointed before. I find myself willing to go to just about any extreme to avoid having to disappoint someone.

I may leave out a minor detail or present an idea only sharing one side of the equation or intentionally withholding information so that the possiblity of someone being hurt or disappointed by the hard truth won't be so hard.

I can remember as a 9-10yr old wanting something so bad, that I stole money from my dad's coin drawer to pay for it. When I was caught, I didn't want him to think less of me so I lied to prevent him from thinking less of me. That is a deep crack covered by almost 30 years of life. And for what ever reason, the first day of Lent I return to that crack and to how deep it runs. Yesterday I had to tell one of our vendors at the office that we are leaving them for a competitor due to cost and more advanced technology. I could hear the disappointment in his voice and all at once I was that 9 yr old boy again. Can the One who suffered take that from the deepest part of my soul? Oh how I would love for that fracture to be finally "set" as a broken bone of life.

And here is today's reading from the Mars Hill Lent booklet:

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. 2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. 3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. 4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. 5 Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. 6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts F97 ; you teach F98 me wisdom in the inmost place. 7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. 9 Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. 10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. "

The lament of David... Psalm 51 NIV